Sunday, June 28, 2009

Optimus Prime. Be My Best Buddy.

Yesterday was the bomb! After the Teacher's Appreciation Day or whatever (We went to watch the show only because we're rooting for our gorgeous friend, Kai Yunn as the model in the cat walking event), we quickly ditched the college and zoomed to the nearest cinema to catch the movie Transformer. I was excited, my friends were the same, and everybody was crazy for the most anticipated movie. Woohoo~

The cinema was congested with maybe hundreds of people and everyone had the same thoughts in their mind. We would kill to get the damn tickets. Luckily for us speedsters and some subtle line cutting techniques, we managed to secured nine tickets in a row. The seating were in the middle of the whole cinema so I guess it's not bad either.

Throughout the whole movie, we're drooling for Megan Fox. She completely exceeds the scale of hotness and sexiness to the extreme. It takes a miracle for someone like Shia to be able to make out with her. Titties~

Megan Fox, I see you.

Basically, the movie is about the standoffs between Autobots and Decepticons. There's also a new player in town which they called "The Fallen", one of the seven Primes who wanted revenge by destroying the Solar system. As usual, Sam dreamed for a normal teenage life minus the robots and explosion (Sucker! I would kill to get into his shoes) while making out with Mikaela (Again, killing time). So, when Optimus Prime requested his help, Sam in his smirk expression replied that he would not involve in their war again and walked away. This eventually led to Optimus Prime's death when Megatron and his stooges tried to kidnap Sam (Sam is a dick). A few battles later (which involved gazillion missiles and bombs and all the explosions you can think of), Sam revived Optimus Prime with pixie dust he found sealed inside the 6 hugging carcasses of the old Primes (in a really gay way) which was also hidden in the fucking tombs in Egypt. Then, Optimus Prime merged with Jetfire's dead body (A Decepticon that switched side to Autobot who was way older than the Solar system) to evolve into a robot with 2 fucking rockets equipped on his back. He beat the shit out of the Decepticons. Megatron survived and flee so I assume this would entail to another sequel which again sucked the soul, blood and money of all loyal fans. Nice play, Michael Bay.

So, do I like the movie? To be honest, I don't. Sitting 3 hours in the cinema while watching people running in slow-mo from the explosion is not something I had in my plan (And can't run from an explosion not especially the one with 5km radius). So, where have the logic gone to? I guess it didn't cross Micheal Bay's mind as long as it involves fire and robots.

Don't worry. Just run. It only explodes behind us. Never in front.


Why people keep shooting bullets they know it's not gonna work shit?

3o minutes of utterly useless gunfight can really drain a person's life force in the cinema. A sense of pity and sympathy arose when the soldiers insisted to keep on shooting at the robot while ended up pummeled to bloodbath. At least they have the spirits of determination to continue on even though the Decepticons deflected all their bullets without even trying. Your family would be so proud of you in front of your tombstone. Seriously, guys. The first Transformer movie already established that Decepticons are impervious to tiny bullets. A whole load of ammunition from guns, helicopters and tanks didn't leave a scratch on Megatron's shiny armor so why do you think this is going to work now? The last half hour of movie took place in Egypt where machine guns fight ensued with no particular reason. Surprisingly, even without sustain any serious damage from the bullets, the Decepticons immediately took cover. I was like "What the Fuck!?". Brilliant logic Mr. Bay, I salute you.

What is Megan Fox doing here again?
OK. I know it's a bit unfair for the movie because we go for the movie for 2 specific reasons. One, gigantic robots brawl fight. Two, Megan Fox tits. Still, you might be wondering why Megan Fox is here even though she didn't have any significant role in the movie except the part where she followed Sam around like a love sick puppy. She already done her job in the first Transformer movie and deserved a nice long rest, not reduced herself into a damsel in distress who kept whining about how Sam cheated on her. Where is the confident, tough and strong Megan Fox we love and adore? The one who took charge and helped Sam through difficult situation. Remember? Instead, we got a dumb bimbo with too much of cleavage running around in the desert. We already have Paris Hilton for that.

The hip hops twins are not racist, just plain annoying.

Usually an addition of character to a movie can be great but definitely not in this case. Instead we get the most stereotypical characters ever who speak in weird black guy plus Irish accent into the point of incomprehensible. Does every sentence come out from their mechanical mouth need to be in a form of rap? Really? I can tolerate the bad speaking but constantly thrashing and shoving each other whenever they have a screen time is fucking annoying. Do people realize that they have buck teeth too like typical Chinese? What I learn from them is that they are walking, talking, Asian and Blacks hate crime. They are the collection of all worst stereotypes imaginable, not targeted at any one ethnicity. This is not racism, it's just stupid.

Robots don't get horny.

I guess at this point you have heard that robots have giants testicles (No joke here). The dangling 200lbs testicles did not disturb me but I was deeply shocked when one of the Decepticons actually developed libido towards Megan Fox. Robots are not supposed to have sexual desire because they're lack of hormones and they don't have a penis (OK, they might have a mechanical penis hidden somewhere since we already have a sneak peek at their testicles). Even if robots can reproduce sexually (which they don't), aren't they suppose to have feeling with their own kinds and not thinking of banging hot human chicks? I watched in horror as the Decepticon banged Megan Fox leg. The audiences laughed it off as if it was a harmless joke but we all know how disturbing the image was. What if that Decepticon is not the only one who have sexual need? What if deep down of Optimus Prime is a beast waiting to be released? Who is going to accept Optimus Prime humongous dick? And don't tell me he has a normal human size dick because then Optimus Prime would be the laughing stock of the Autobots/Decepticons community. And have you seen the way Bumblebee look at Sam? It's abnormal. Well, from all the information I have collected, at least we know Megan Fox likes it.

Megatron can kiss my ass.

What makes Megatron both lovable and despicable is due to his arrogant, merciless and destructive attitude. Tell me one person who didn't fall for him when he teared Jazz into half in the first Transformers movie with such strength and force without even breaking a sweat (Not that robots can sweat). In the second movie instead, the producers made Megatron into someone who is dumb and cowardice. Now, he is some kind of lackey for his all mighty master who can't even breathe smoothly. Megatron is now taking order? What the hell? Where is his "Hey, if you don't follow my order, I will blast you to pieces." attitude? All I saw from him was "Hey, if I don't retrieve Sam, my master will kill me.". The all time low point of his life came when he was outsmarted by Sam and his gang when they tried to escape. Seriously, being tricked by a couple of teenagers who are 100 times smaller size than you is not something to be proud of. It's like a grown man lost a fist fight to a toddler with no fists. I almost felt sorry for him when Opimus Prime beat him senseless but considering how he let me down, I just hope his metal is recyclable.

Blowing up the sun while you're still in the Solar system doesn't sound like a good idea.
How much work and thought are put into the script? I guess none. The whole idea of harnessing Energon by blowing up the sun sounds great but doing it while you're still at Earth is suicidal and not to mention stupid. I guess after they fill up they supplies, their ashes will have all the energy they'll need to declare victory over the Autobots.


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